Back Home
After 9+ hours of traveling, two departures and landings, sweating and praying to the good gods not to throw up; I made it. After two years I made it home, to the tropical weather, to the cool sticky mornings, to falling asleep to the sound of the crickets and waking up to the songs of the roosters.
As I type, I am surrounded by peace that only the quiet morning in my child home can bring. Grandma who’s Alzheimer's progresses rapidly is sleeping quietly beside me. Mom woke me up early (at my request) so I could stay beside her while she went to run some errands.
Grandma is like a child these days. She forgets that she was eating the chicken that I got for her, the same one she is still holding in her hand. She looks at it with new eyes, as if she has just seen it for the first time. -”Ah”-. And proceed to eat bits of it.
Mom calls her “La nena” just like one of her kids, Mom cares for grandma like if she was her own child.
“Mami, quiero cuidar de ti como tu lo estas haciendo con abuela” - I tell her.
Mom, showers with grandma, showing her with her own body and reminding her not to forget to clean the important parts of her own. Reminds me of the purity of childhood. When nudity is just as normal and no sexual connotations exist. Is just pure caring, helping in the most intimate ways.
Mami, el tiempo que estás viviendo con Abuela, es único. Se que tu responsabilidad es enorme, sin embargo tu estas siendo bendecida con tenerla 24/7 sin tener que preocuparte por ir a trabajar u otras responsabilidades mundanas más allá de hacer los pagos cotidianos. I'll be here for you, I'll hold your hand, hug you through all of it. When the time comes, the silence will seem vast…but rest assured in the memories that you are accumulating. There is no better time than this. To take care of your own, when their time is getting closer to the gods and far from us the living.
I started to talk to my family about death a few years back when I worked at a health insurance call center. We live everyday, day by day and here where the sun is always up and the season does not seem to change, it is like time does not pass and we forget that our viejos are mortal. Death has always been a hard topic but a crucial one to talk about, especially in our Puerto rican household. I approached death, natural death as an old friend that we are all yet to meet. I tell Mom, that it is important to love, cherish every aspect of life so when the time comes there are no regrets. To give it all, to give the best we can with our resources, so our viejos have the best quality of life.
Nobody wants to talk about the death of their parents, but I found that slowly talking about the topic,with therapy (in some cases), with support groups, can help. It will never make it easier when the time comes, but at least it is a start… I want to approach death like an old friend whom I haven't seen in forever, I don't want to be afraid of it. I want to believe that just like energy can not be created nor destroyed, death is a transformation.
But for now, I'm blessed with taking care of my Moms child, my grandma who sleeps soundlessly at my side while I type these words. Is so good to be back home.
